Have you ever gone to a parent conference at your child's school, and the teacher tells you that your child, (the one who throws a fit when is asked to: do homework, get off the tablet, come to dinner, get ready for bed, or any other upsetting task) is a wonderful student who follows directions, is respectful to his peers, and works diligently to complete his classwork? Or, the opposite situation: you are called in for a parent conference because your child is misbehaving in school by: not following directions, having trouble finishing classwork and assessments, is off task and wastes time, etc., but YOU as the parent don't seem to have those issues at home. You are not alone. Many parents experience discrepancies between the behavior their children display at home vs. school.
There are several reasons for why children behave differently in different environments.
1. At school, there is a lot of structure, consistency, routines, and expectations. If your child is better behaved at school, chances are that having those routines in a structured environment is what your child needs to be successful. On the flip side, it is very difficult for some children to put their energy into meeting these expectations on a daily basis, so when they get home, they have used up a lot of their resources, and may let out any frustrations they are holding in.
2. Teachers often use a mixture of rewards and consequences at school, which also help improve undesirable behaviors. The addition of social pressure and social modeling from other kids also is a powerful tool that can have an impact on a child's actions. It is difficult to reproduce these aspects of the school environment at home.
3. For children with ADHD or anxiety, school can be a more difficult place to be successful. The distractions, expectations to be seated most of the day, or to not blurt out may be extremely difficult for an ADHD child, especially when the home environment allows for much more flexibility. Social anxiety can manifest in ways at school such as: refusal to participate in group assignments, or in giving an oral presentation, isolating behaviors with peers, and in many other ways that they may not be shown at home with family.
How can you make sure that your child is being successful in both environments?
1. Collaborate with your teacher, school staff, and communicate your concerns. Find out what is working for your child at school, and share what is working for your child at home.
2. Use what works for your child-- if they are doing better in a structured environment, then mimic that at home. If rewards or incentives also work for your child at school, think about using a simple behavior chart (there are many on Amazon) to help motivate your child at home.
3.Make quality time for your child when you are together in the evenings and weekends, and listen to them authentically. Children know when you are actually enjoying spending time with them vs. just going through the motions. They are very perceptive no matter how young they are, and can pick up on authenticity and emotions. Children, and especially teens, will respond to parents and their demands much better if the relationship between them is strong. That entails spending quality time together doing some activity that the child enjoys.
4.Use encouragement. Children need encouragemend like flowers and plants need water. Encourage children and praise them about everything they are doing right, as much as possible.
If you are having parenting concerns, contact Keren Drits, LPC, NCC at 678-585-1383
for more information on how she can help.
Comments